Thursday, March 5, 2009

Darkest Hour

I am sad, this month and last month has been the hardest for me spiritually and emotionally. Found out I well be going to jail for what my Lawyer says, “Sometime “my Business I was making money with got shut down. My grandma suffered two heart attacks, my mother died. My sister is pregnant with twins because a dude raped her on Handlebars. Found out my stepdad was having an affair throughout the entire marriage, cannot make any money, high ass phone bill 1,000. Bills piling up, cannot get a new Lawyer, cannot get the Motorbike I needed to get to them damn Gigs, someone keeps, “trying” to get my videos down off YouTube.

If I left anything out my Apologies, What am I supposed to do now? Everything is going to shit at a faster rate than usual for me; it is like a Game of dominoes and one after another is falling. Pain, torment, I bitch, than get over it that has been the cycle but it isn’t stopping this time it is like a Truck with the Brake line cut it is just plowing through everything. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to put a happy face on and think Ya know that is life. But come the fat fuck on, Saturday night I believe my grandma had a heart attack, than I find out that same Saturday night my mother dies? All this bad shit happening and I don’t know what to do next, people say prey ok done. What’s next?

I am in a physical mental rut and I am not getting out of it with just prayer trust me. I try to breath but the air isn’t coming, every time I make a plan it is derailed. Every time I try to take myself out of the toilet, I am Doused with shit. I cannot try to make my life better at all without some unknowing presence destroying it with a fine swoop. I tried to kill myself four times for shit less than this, if there was a time I should buy a shotgun it is now. I am facing a possible 20 years in PRISON FOR A CRIME I DID NOT COMMIT! My grandmother is close to losing her life! I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Except the few fans I happily have supporting me.

I try to fight, I try to move forward and something is always there a huge welded metal door. With a Little window open for me to see all the happiness at the other side all the beautiful people’s faces living there lives.

I always said I hated my mother, fuk that bitch. She a hoe, I hope she die. And I got my wish, she is dead. It is funny to see how it happened. Seizure in her sleep. We never got to reconcile, never got to hug and say it is over I never got to say I forgave her. She is just gone, dead as a dogs dick. And everything surrounding that hurts, my ma was cheated on throughout the marriage with a man she left her family for. My elder sister is pregnant with twins because a dude fucked her while she was high on drugs. I want to end my fucking Life! But there is a part of me that knows things well get better. A part of me that believes in myself and well not give up in myself. I feel bad, I feel hurt, I want to cry and destroy my room I want to put a bullet in my brain. But I can’t not before I do what I am on this planet to do and that is tell my story and make people laugh and feel better.

Therefore, whatever happens Next I will continue, I will try and I will fight forward. I well do what I must I will not be beaten. I am alone right now only a few people are with me. I am alone in my apartment. I wish things can get better, but it is always darkest before the light.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Earth is not a place for you god has chosen your destiny. Be a man and end it now.

Anonymous said...

If this is legit, I am at a loss to express my sympathy. If this is a work and in the end a part of a twist in a story... then I am at a loss to express my amazement at your dedication.

Anonymous said...

hey cigs, i dont know, i mean, ive been in very deep waters before, been homeless, no electricty, no car, etc, so your not the only one gonig through this, the whole word is going through it, im sorry it happens to you all in one peice, day, etc, but things will get worse before they get better, be a man, go to court, see what they give you, take it, then go out of jail, and being a bigger man than the way you went in, god placed you on this earth to do waht you love, thats comedy, and when you get out of jail, continue to do waht you love.. i said this before, things will get worse before they better... just be a good man, and take it, and in the end, you walk out with a smile on your face, and a better man, good luck to you man..you have my support..

Starfish07 said...

Well dayum that was deep.
I fell 4 you tho.

Anonymous said...

Who is this god nigga?
but seriously dude, Hell has frozen over earth. It'll past. Your darkest hour is someone else's darkest year. Awkwardly 2009 have been going fucking great for me so far.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I got your back too, you said it best though yourself. There is nothing so bad that should make you take your life you have plenty of people to live for and if not you have to do it for you. I see the glimmer hope still resides in you and I have faith that you can make it through that teeny tiny window, you're a fighter a vigilante if you will, Cigs It's not going to be perfect but like I said keep the hope alive you got it in ya and things will start to get better use it as a life experience you'll be that much wiser once you've faced your demons. The Serenity Prayer may help you out a bit "god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

mikie said...

really sad ..sorry cigs

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