PART 1 THE INCIDENT
The last week and a day have been very depressing, very fucked up, very sad and very unfair. I was beaten, jumped by inmates; shoulder knocked about, lip busted and eye was hurt for half a day.
Last Thursday I was feeling down about my current life situation. I decided to write a blog to pump my head and self-esteem up, which it did. So I decided I would go out for a bike ride with my camcorder.
I went to my old job and saw two young males sitting on baskets so I asked them if they would be interested in joining me in making some videos for youtube. They said they would love too, so we shot a video together. I was happy I finally have a team of dudes to help me with my videos.
Now I am going home.
Riding my bike. Saw five people, three dudes, two girls. This short dude starts making fun of me. Well, I decided to start rolling the camcorder making fun of them all.
What the fuck is this an elementary school gang? Who you gone to rob niggas?
They made jokes on me as well. But it was all done in fun…well that is what I thought. The short dude says hey follow us. Since I didn't think they were angry with me and we were making jokes on each other I thought what's the worse that can happen.
We walking down the road cracking jokes on each other, they even open a gate for me so I can fit my bike in this apartment complex. Now A young fat woman with them than begins to talk trash on me. I crack a joke on her.
Shut-up bitch you look like a pregnant Walrus.
Yeah, Big mistake.
POW. Right in the face three times. I back back, "hey calm down" Then Pow she douses me with a juice she was holding. Than two of the three young men took off their shirts.
"You done fucked up now homeboy"
I say, "Hey man I thought we were just kidding? Look you guys are younger than me and I am bigger I am not gonna fight you so chill." POW 3 more times by a young man in the face. I had enough I drop my bike and lean back about to pop this kids face off and SNAP! The other kid got in the way and did some kind of block thing snapping my arm.
Now I just have one arm. Then POW-POWPOW the short dude starts punching me.
I say, Back BACK! I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST KIDDING AROUND.
"Nah Homie fuck that"
I can't fight back my arm is in serious pain. I run across the street and pick up this long rod. I extend it and scream. BACK BACK! They back up, I look in the distance and there is a bunch of people running out of their homes to join the kids in jumping me. Just then.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Police drive up jumps out the car. I drop the rod. They run PAST the three kids jumping me and puts a tazer to my chest. I say Sir, I have it all on tape. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS MOTHER FUCKER.
"
Now. They handcuff me and tell me to shut up.
Now they talk with the five that jumped me. They deny jumping me say I started everything, but they say I did not hit them. They did tell the officers a girl hit me but they did not tell the entire truth about the jumping.
The officers look on my camcorder see all the sketches I have and begin to make fun of me with the kids that jumped me.
Officer says, " Either you are mentally fucked or retarded which one?"
The officers than starts telling jokes at my expense with the kids. When it was over the officers says I am arrested.
"For what sir?"
"Aggravated assault.
"
"I didn't hit anyone"
"But you wanted too"
When I told the officers I wanted to press charges nope. When I told them my side, who cares. Did the kids that jump me get in trouble? Nope not at all.
They say it is aggravated assault because I was swinging a rod at the kids that jumped me.
Lies
I'll be back later to tell you all the jail experience.
PART 2
Jail story
.
Got into jail.
Had to sit in a holding tank with 60 other prisoners. We all had to sleep on the cold jail floor and wait for hours and hours. I waited for…ten hours before processing began.
Made me get naked and put on orange jumpsuit.
Than I had to wait for two days in cell, after cell, after cell. Sleeping on wet cement floor cold air bursting through the walls.
Our meals?
Breakfast. cold Sandwich and a tiny cake.
Lunch. Very cold Sandwich and a tiny cake.
Dinner. Damn cold my teeth falling out Sandwich and a tiny cake.
What is in the sandwich? Meat on wheat bread.
I saw guards beating these young men, guards threatening us. My arm was not taken cared of for over four days. I woke up at night on the cold cell floor screaming in agony.
AHHHHHHHHHB MY ARM AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Until they saw me in which case they began moving my arm I than started to yell loudly. They then started all to laugh, the medical team, the guards, other prisoners. He is faking fuck him throw him back in the cell for another 12 hours.
Until a nice doctor looked at my arm saw my rotator cuff is fucked up.
They finally put me in a tank with 20 other inmates. Bad thing is they put me in the worst tank in the whole jail facility. Youngsters' tank.
Think of Hell but with better lighting.
The children there 18 to 20 all fight over dumb shit. Then they jump kids.
I knew three young men in the tank. Darious, Newbie, and Reginald.
I saw them beat Darious until he feel out. He could not tell the guards because if you did the guards will beat you too. One night they told Darious to lay back in praying position as they took turns punching his face he ran out of bed into the hallway where he slept for he entire night.
They jumped him as well five on him.
Another kid name Newbie they beat until his face grew the size of a melon.
There was a few nice kids in there plus a 48-year-old man who I think wants to fuck me.
My night before being released I was jumped by 2 of the inmates for asking what's that?
They punched me in the face repeatedly all I did was take it and say. I am not gonna fight, I believe in God and Jesus and they will help me.
Really he will? Yes yes he will
POW
Did he help that?
JAIL HIGH LIGHTS.
Old man had a seizure while taking a shit shat all over the floor as he was rolling about on the ground.
Met a dude that owns a record label underground dude
Some of the guards know my YouTube videos they call me the MySpace comedian.
My lawyer sucks.
I may go to jail for a long time
I haven't beat off in nine days.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
hope
For the first time in three years, I feel calm relaxed and I think happy? I say I think because I do not believe in that word. I grown up to thinking happiness was a feeling that people pretend to have. However, damn, I finally feel elated, I feel amazed. Truly, right now I feel unbeatable undefeatable, I feel as if I finally can… think. I feel myself growing as a human as a person as a man, I am here to make it I am here to do comedy. I am here to defeat the demons in myself; the only way I can do this is by going forward no matter what.
I can for one time in so long see myself like really see who I am, I am glad, I am so proud of myself. It takes a real strong person to continue on a road that has been boobie trapped... I feel great, and I will prove the naysayers the angry ones wrong. I will use my comedy to influence others. I have been, but not putting my entire strength into my business my life in anything. I cried on the inside as I watched others do great monumental things I was jealous still am. I slept for close to three years, I slept because the heartache I put many though, I slept because of the voices, and I slept because I wanted to get away. But I can't get away until my goal has been met. Until the young children, the men, and the women feel as if they can conquer life. I will not stop on this crusade because I have the power within myself to change.
For the past two days I have been working, working on my future, working on my life, working on the nation, working on my comedy, AND LORD KNOWS IT FEELS GREAT. I worked and worked and sent emails, and written for 8 hours straight JOKE AFTER JOKE AFTER JOKE AFTER JOKE. And I must say My friends my enemies my fans I am here until the time my father calls me home, but before he calls me I will conquer this country, I will do what no other has done. I will affect lives I will fly over the sunset and make anyone know they can do it.
Man, to think recently I let the failings of others, the lies, the behavior of others, the ignorance fuck my head up. Because I was hung up in someone that left me, because I was hung up on not independent friends. Because I gave and gave and gave and they took it all for themselves and left just the ashes of my soul behind. They will take no more of my love, my heart I will cherish myself as I cherish God's will and my graces and my love of life, and my hope. Yes, Hope. I hope, the world realize the error of their ways, I HOPE that you are trying your best to make yourself feel better.
I HOPE you find something you love as much as I have. I found comedy, I found the nation, I found hope I found my family, and I found GOD AND JESUS. The Lord is looking down upon me and I say thank you for your wisdom and thank you for letting me feel something I have not felt in many years.
I am not a christen, nor am I religious Oh you know that. But damnit I know there is a God there is a Jesus, there is something else to life. I do not know what; maybe it is helping others, help your brothers, help your sisters help them.
Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive the ones that betrayed you forgive them for they not know what they have done. Forgive them for yourself because you need peace of mind. YOU, need to live again, you need to let go of the hatred, let go of the anger, let it go and not let it come back. Kick it to hell.
We were created for what reason I do not know, but I know what I feel. I know who I care for and love and cherish and I am here to tell you all THE REIGN OF ANGER HAS ENDED. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU, WE WILL OVERCOME. Tonight, tomorrow, and the day after we will MAKE THE WORLD KNOW WHO WE ARE.
Mt JTV FRIENDS, MY family, my enemies, my internet pals, and my real life pals, to the peeps that stood by me for me with me. THANK YOU. THANK ALL OF YOU; YOU ALL HAVE GIVEN ME STRENGTH PRIDE IN MYSELF. I think clear again, I can THINK FREE AGAIN. We will do great things, and I will do my best to make this the most unforgettable ride ever.
As I have said many a time, either you stand with me by my side as we conquer life. Or you can continue to live a mundane existence and blame others for your problems. I know what I am going to do.
Everything in my power to make it.
I will destroy you with Laughter. Than motivate you with my Funniness.
Motivational Funnyman D'Andre Siggers.
JERKY MOOSE
I can for one time in so long see myself like really see who I am, I am glad, I am so proud of myself. It takes a real strong person to continue on a road that has been boobie trapped... I feel great, and I will prove the naysayers the angry ones wrong. I will use my comedy to influence others. I have been, but not putting my entire strength into my business my life in anything. I cried on the inside as I watched others do great monumental things I was jealous still am. I slept for close to three years, I slept because the heartache I put many though, I slept because of the voices, and I slept because I wanted to get away. But I can't get away until my goal has been met. Until the young children, the men, and the women feel as if they can conquer life. I will not stop on this crusade because I have the power within myself to change.
For the past two days I have been working, working on my future, working on my life, working on the nation, working on my comedy, AND LORD KNOWS IT FEELS GREAT. I worked and worked and sent emails, and written for 8 hours straight JOKE AFTER JOKE AFTER JOKE AFTER JOKE. And I must say My friends my enemies my fans I am here until the time my father calls me home, but before he calls me I will conquer this country, I will do what no other has done. I will affect lives I will fly over the sunset and make anyone know they can do it.
Man, to think recently I let the failings of others, the lies, the behavior of others, the ignorance fuck my head up. Because I was hung up in someone that left me, because I was hung up on not independent friends. Because I gave and gave and gave and they took it all for themselves and left just the ashes of my soul behind. They will take no more of my love, my heart I will cherish myself as I cherish God's will and my graces and my love of life, and my hope. Yes, Hope. I hope, the world realize the error of their ways, I HOPE that you are trying your best to make yourself feel better.
I HOPE you find something you love as much as I have. I found comedy, I found the nation, I found hope I found my family, and I found GOD AND JESUS. The Lord is looking down upon me and I say thank you for your wisdom and thank you for letting me feel something I have not felt in many years.
I am not a christen, nor am I religious Oh you know that. But damnit I know there is a God there is a Jesus, there is something else to life. I do not know what; maybe it is helping others, help your brothers, help your sisters help them.
Forgive the ones that hurt you, forgive the ones that betrayed you forgive them for they not know what they have done. Forgive them for yourself because you need peace of mind. YOU, need to live again, you need to let go of the hatred, let go of the anger, let it go and not let it come back. Kick it to hell.
We were created for what reason I do not know, but I know what I feel. I know who I care for and love and cherish and I am here to tell you all THE REIGN OF ANGER HAS ENDED. I AM HERE TO TELL YOU, WE WILL OVERCOME. Tonight, tomorrow, and the day after we will MAKE THE WORLD KNOW WHO WE ARE.
Mt JTV FRIENDS, MY family, my enemies, my internet pals, and my real life pals, to the peeps that stood by me for me with me. THANK YOU. THANK ALL OF YOU; YOU ALL HAVE GIVEN ME STRENGTH PRIDE IN MYSELF. I think clear again, I can THINK FREE AGAIN. We will do great things, and I will do my best to make this the most unforgettable ride ever.
As I have said many a time, either you stand with me by my side as we conquer life. Or you can continue to live a mundane existence and blame others for your problems. I know what I am going to do.
Everything in my power to make it.
I will destroy you with Laughter. Than motivate you with my Funniness.
Motivational Funnyman D'Andre Siggers.
JERKY MOOSE
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Back to Blogging for awhile.
I have not done one of these in a long while; I do not know why I guess I was rather drained. I guess you can say that deep inside I did not feel like writing I have not written a new joke in three months; I have not performed in awhile either. I cannot say I am happy I really do not believe in happiness. The Human race is truly happy when we see another suffer, that is why we love to watch celebrities suffer. We love that people with millions get there shit handed to them.
We pretend we are happy, because we have a stupid job that pays just above minimum wage, because chicks suck our dicks, because our wife lost 20 pounds, because our retarded kids did well on a math test. Those things do not truly make us happy; it makes us have that feeling. Is this it? My life, is this all it is? Living in a shit town with shit parents and a piece of shit boyfriend or girlfriend.
I have seen the light many times I failed many times and I still stand not because I want to but because I have to, I have to make sure I am the man needed to be to do great things. I care for others more then I should, helping giving advice loving. Yet I see no end sight for my journey I only see more user's abusers liars and pathetic humans that think it all is a game. Life is not a game; it is a tragic place full of demons hatred and anger. There is no devil that lives in hell that breathes fire that has a fork. We are the devil, we kill, we molest, we lie, we cheat, we are the devils the bible spoke about Hell is EARTH!
Have you ever sat down and just thought of life so hard that it makes the pit of your soul sick. That you wish for happiness that may never come, that you pray to God for a great future. Have you ever wanted to be cared for have a nation of people love you. I wake up every day and I think about myself, I think about what is needed from me to gain what I dream. If people knew I would be great they would not dare fuck me over or treat me as if I am an Aids patient. Yet they do not know we do not have a crystal ball, so I am disrespected "he will not make it no need to worry about D'Andre. No need to give a shit."
The Meek will inherit the earth.
My favorite saying because I think of it as God telling me to keep steady you will survive you will have it all. I give and I do not ask for a lot in return, I just want respect and someone that cares for me as I care for them. It probably is a long time away from that, considering the kind of man I am. I think of comedy, I think of life, and I think of friends long gone loves that are not here anymore. I think of the people in the world that do not know how great they have it.
I am here to do great things and that means I have to have a shitty life, no friends, no lovers, not much family, just me alone. I will be alone for a long long time it is just how it is. People think they can get better than me, fuck Siggers I know a dude down the street that is better for me. Fuck Siggers, I know a comedian that is funnier than he is. That is okay, keep saying what I am not and you will forget what I am.
I am tired of ignorance, staidness, foolishness, lying people that think it is fun to make people feel a certain way. You will learn just as I learned. I can stand up tall and say I tried and I will keep trying, and when I get to the point in my life where I want to be I will look down on you and say "it is okay." I understand, you were not ready to accept me it is your fault, your ignorance, your ignorant feeble-minded stupid self. Thank you for not accepting me for who I am because now I can accept myself and do what I must for myself. I am better than you are, I am greater than you are and I love myself.
So keep living your life, keep saying fuck this fuck that. Keep picking others over another good person. keep forgetting where you came from, keep picking favorites. And I will keep on moving, I will crack the code to life and live in happiness true happiness if there is even a true happiness. I will find out the secret alone if you do not stand beside me with me for me then I will do it on my own.
However, remember you had your chances. You all had your chances to become greater than what you are. It is easy to look at my faults, but you refuse to look at who I am and who I will become. Trust me I am going to be doing big things.
Then you, your friends, and your family can all say to each other, god damn how stupid was I to treat him like that. Not because I am rich, because I am a comedian or none of that but because I have a big heart and you fucked up a good person that would have done nothing but put a smile on your face.
We pretend we are happy, because we have a stupid job that pays just above minimum wage, because chicks suck our dicks, because our wife lost 20 pounds, because our retarded kids did well on a math test. Those things do not truly make us happy; it makes us have that feeling. Is this it? My life, is this all it is? Living in a shit town with shit parents and a piece of shit boyfriend or girlfriend.
I have seen the light many times I failed many times and I still stand not because I want to but because I have to, I have to make sure I am the man needed to be to do great things. I care for others more then I should, helping giving advice loving. Yet I see no end sight for my journey I only see more user's abusers liars and pathetic humans that think it all is a game. Life is not a game; it is a tragic place full of demons hatred and anger. There is no devil that lives in hell that breathes fire that has a fork. We are the devil, we kill, we molest, we lie, we cheat, we are the devils the bible spoke about Hell is EARTH!
Have you ever sat down and just thought of life so hard that it makes the pit of your soul sick. That you wish for happiness that may never come, that you pray to God for a great future. Have you ever wanted to be cared for have a nation of people love you. I wake up every day and I think about myself, I think about what is needed from me to gain what I dream. If people knew I would be great they would not dare fuck me over or treat me as if I am an Aids patient. Yet they do not know we do not have a crystal ball, so I am disrespected "he will not make it no need to worry about D'Andre. No need to give a shit."
The Meek will inherit the earth.
My favorite saying because I think of it as God telling me to keep steady you will survive you will have it all. I give and I do not ask for a lot in return, I just want respect and someone that cares for me as I care for them. It probably is a long time away from that, considering the kind of man I am. I think of comedy, I think of life, and I think of friends long gone loves that are not here anymore. I think of the people in the world that do not know how great they have it.
I am here to do great things and that means I have to have a shitty life, no friends, no lovers, not much family, just me alone. I will be alone for a long long time it is just how it is. People think they can get better than me, fuck Siggers I know a dude down the street that is better for me. Fuck Siggers, I know a comedian that is funnier than he is. That is okay, keep saying what I am not and you will forget what I am.
I am tired of ignorance, staidness, foolishness, lying people that think it is fun to make people feel a certain way. You will learn just as I learned. I can stand up tall and say I tried and I will keep trying, and when I get to the point in my life where I want to be I will look down on you and say "it is okay." I understand, you were not ready to accept me it is your fault, your ignorance, your ignorant feeble-minded stupid self. Thank you for not accepting me for who I am because now I can accept myself and do what I must for myself. I am better than you are, I am greater than you are and I love myself.
So keep living your life, keep saying fuck this fuck that. Keep picking others over another good person. keep forgetting where you came from, keep picking favorites. And I will keep on moving, I will crack the code to life and live in happiness true happiness if there is even a true happiness. I will find out the secret alone if you do not stand beside me with me for me then I will do it on my own.
However, remember you had your chances. You all had your chances to become greater than what you are. It is easy to look at my faults, but you refuse to look at who I am and who I will become. Trust me I am going to be doing big things.
Then you, your friends, and your family can all say to each other, god damn how stupid was I to treat him like that. Not because I am rich, because I am a comedian or none of that but because I have a big heart and you fucked up a good person that would have done nothing but put a smile on your face.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
My First Open Mic
My First Open Mic Video inside.
Well today was the day I had the big Open Mic Night my first I will go into detail what happened. I wrote down about eight jokes performed six, I was nervous the entire day leading up to the event. My Video guy comes to my house to damn Early, so I rush put on my clothes and run hug my grandma and tell her this is it my first open mic, she kisses me and tells me Good Luck Baby. I looked at my grandma and say “to the top because I been down for too long.”
Marz and I stop by the Mall to go loom around I then start hearing this sad church type of music so I stopped and just looked up at the sky because the mall had a skylight. It soothed me and helped me be less nervous; I had to get to the club by 6:30 to sign up for the open mic night.
Marz and I get there at five. When it is time to go into the club I meet a Comedian by the Name of Al Roads a funny guy sounds and looks very similar to Dave chappelle but has dreads and a beard. He sits me down and tells me everything I need to know about everything, don’t do this, you gotta do this, hold back on this, calm down with this, he gave me so much advice my head almost exploded.
By this time a ton of comics walk in, I mean about 20. Loud mouths, talking shit all that. Al introduces me to each one of them comics. Funny thing, everyone was talking about the Joe Rogan incident, even one of the comedians talked about it onstage when it was his time. The bartender was like ” hey ain’t you the guy that jumped on Joe Rogan back?” It was funny as hell.
So we gotta fill out our names on this piece of paper put it in a tin-can and Roach the manager, pulls out the name of the person then the person he pulled has a choice to go on show 1 show 2 or show 3. Show 3 is the worst by that time everyone leaves, it is even worse if you have the final last spot on show three.
So I look at Al and say, “I am gonna be pulled last and be the final one on show three.” He said “how do you know that?” I looked at him and said “because I got bad luck man just rotten luck.” And guess who got the final last horrible worst spot? ME!
So now, I have to sit down for three hours and watch every comedian go up, most are funny, most are horrible too. Al tells me I very may will bomb it happens to each person on his first open mic, the other comics chime in ya you gonna bomb dude.
When it was almost my time to go up, I went outside because that was where most of the comedians hung out. And I said to Al I am next, he was like kool I am gonna watch you. Then this dude chimes in, “this yo first night?”
“Yes.”
“NIGGA YOU GONNA BOMB! You ain’t gonna be funny, no possible way. You cannot come here your first night and expect to be funny, and you see the crowed in there too?”
By now there was only ten customers and like eight comedians.
The man looked at me and said, “ima go on stage before you and blow you up, no I am gonna let you go first then let you bomb then blow yo ass up again.” He left me with ” if you can make them people in their laugh fuck everything and go to LA, if you can pull this shit out yo ass the first time you go up pack and go to LA TONIGHT.” Being sarcastic ya know?
Now I am mad and nervous thinking I am gonna bomb, these are professional comedians, They know what the fuck they talking about. so when my name was called all the comedians from outside came in to look at the newb. I went on stage scared and I DESTROYED THE FUCKIN ROOM MUTHA FUCKAS!
I mean it is a blur but I was hitting them jokes, the room was real real small so I commented on it. I got my first laugh I ran with it, joke joke joke joke. I came off stage that man that was talking shit just looked at me and he said, Get yo ass to LA.
ALL THE COMEDIANS, praised me Al was in shock. He told me he never saw anything like it, to come on dead last, ten people in the room barely laughing, to make them all wake up and laugh is truly great. He praised me, the other comics was outside saying my jokes laughing. They really liked my Eight ball joke.
They rush me outside, the comedians. DAMN YOU FUNNY, HOW YOU DO THAT? Man that was funny no open mic ever did that, even the bartender was praising me. Then this dude looks at me and tells me “one month, if you can pull off what you did for one month we’ll talk about getting you some work.”
Then the comedian that was talking shit, get this. Homeboy has big contacts was on Jamie fox comedy special, knows Jamie fox, Paul Mooney worked with all them he gave me his contact card tell me to call him anytime.
Then My friend Al hands me a card tells me he inviting me to Times square a comedy club in Texas which is a big urban room, he said many contacts will be there if I can pull off what I did tonight I will be made he tells me, I got to go do that next Wednesdays.
This guy name Jim when I went into the bathroom gave me a card that allows me to perform at a college seated 4,000 kids it is a open mic as well but I get more time 7 in a half minutes.
Next week everyone tells me to come back, which I will, I can now pick the time I want to go up since I was dead last. Al tells me that I killed, that I did great, all the other comedians tells me this too, customers getting out there seats to shake my hand. I even almost got this white bitch number.
Well today was the day I had the big Open Mic Night my first I will go into detail what happened. I wrote down about eight jokes performed six, I was nervous the entire day leading up to the event. My Video guy comes to my house to damn Early, so I rush put on my clothes and run hug my grandma and tell her this is it my first open mic, she kisses me and tells me Good Luck Baby. I looked at my grandma and say “to the top because I been down for too long.”
Marz and I stop by the Mall to go loom around I then start hearing this sad church type of music so I stopped and just looked up at the sky because the mall had a skylight. It soothed me and helped me be less nervous; I had to get to the club by 6:30 to sign up for the open mic night.
Marz and I get there at five. When it is time to go into the club I meet a Comedian by the Name of Al Roads a funny guy sounds and looks very similar to Dave chappelle but has dreads and a beard. He sits me down and tells me everything I need to know about everything, don’t do this, you gotta do this, hold back on this, calm down with this, he gave me so much advice my head almost exploded.
By this time a ton of comics walk in, I mean about 20. Loud mouths, talking shit all that. Al introduces me to each one of them comics. Funny thing, everyone was talking about the Joe Rogan incident, even one of the comedians talked about it onstage when it was his time. The bartender was like ” hey ain’t you the guy that jumped on Joe Rogan back?” It was funny as hell.
So we gotta fill out our names on this piece of paper put it in a tin-can and Roach the manager, pulls out the name of the person then the person he pulled has a choice to go on show 1 show 2 or show 3. Show 3 is the worst by that time everyone leaves, it is even worse if you have the final last spot on show three.
So I look at Al and say, “I am gonna be pulled last and be the final one on show three.” He said “how do you know that?” I looked at him and said “because I got bad luck man just rotten luck.” And guess who got the final last horrible worst spot? ME!
So now, I have to sit down for three hours and watch every comedian go up, most are funny, most are horrible too. Al tells me I very may will bomb it happens to each person on his first open mic, the other comics chime in ya you gonna bomb dude.
When it was almost my time to go up, I went outside because that was where most of the comedians hung out. And I said to Al I am next, he was like kool I am gonna watch you. Then this dude chimes in, “this yo first night?”
“Yes.”
“NIGGA YOU GONNA BOMB! You ain’t gonna be funny, no possible way. You cannot come here your first night and expect to be funny, and you see the crowed in there too?”
By now there was only ten customers and like eight comedians.
The man looked at me and said, “ima go on stage before you and blow you up, no I am gonna let you go first then let you bomb then blow yo ass up again.” He left me with ” if you can make them people in their laugh fuck everything and go to LA, if you can pull this shit out yo ass the first time you go up pack and go to LA TONIGHT.” Being sarcastic ya know?
Now I am mad and nervous thinking I am gonna bomb, these are professional comedians, They know what the fuck they talking about. so when my name was called all the comedians from outside came in to look at the newb. I went on stage scared and I DESTROYED THE FUCKIN ROOM MUTHA FUCKAS!
I mean it is a blur but I was hitting them jokes, the room was real real small so I commented on it. I got my first laugh I ran with it, joke joke joke joke. I came off stage that man that was talking shit just looked at me and he said, Get yo ass to LA.
ALL THE COMEDIANS, praised me Al was in shock. He told me he never saw anything like it, to come on dead last, ten people in the room barely laughing, to make them all wake up and laugh is truly great. He praised me, the other comics was outside saying my jokes laughing. They really liked my Eight ball joke.
They rush me outside, the comedians. DAMN YOU FUNNY, HOW YOU DO THAT? Man that was funny no open mic ever did that, even the bartender was praising me. Then this dude looks at me and tells me “one month, if you can pull off what you did for one month we’ll talk about getting you some work.”
Then the comedian that was talking shit, get this. Homeboy has big contacts was on Jamie fox comedy special, knows Jamie fox, Paul Mooney worked with all them he gave me his contact card tell me to call him anytime.
Then My friend Al hands me a card tells me he inviting me to Times square a comedy club in Texas which is a big urban room, he said many contacts will be there if I can pull off what I did tonight I will be made he tells me, I got to go do that next Wednesdays.
This guy name Jim when I went into the bathroom gave me a card that allows me to perform at a college seated 4,000 kids it is a open mic as well but I get more time 7 in a half minutes.
Next week everyone tells me to come back, which I will, I can now pick the time I want to go up since I was dead last. Al tells me that I killed, that I did great, all the other comedians tells me this too, customers getting out there seats to shake my hand. I even almost got this white bitch number.
Monday, May 12, 2008
First Open Mic Night and My Return To JTV
I want to say I do not know what to say, but truthfully I do know what I want to say. It seems everything in this chapter is ending. I feel so good right now so happy, I feel as if I conquered the world and I haven’t even stepped out on stage yet. I lived a horrible life, I still feel as if there are going to be millions of trials that I must encounter. However, I feel so accomplished me being off from JTV me being off everything was for me to finally be able to find myself more than I already have.
Have I done that yes and no, I still feel I need to learn more I need to gain more in my life until I am able to say yes. However, I feel a huge chunk of relief I was unmotivated I still have my doubts about pursuing comedy and JTV 100% but now I know this is why I am here on this planet. There is no alternative, I do not have a shlong cannot be in porno, do not have smarts, do not have athletic figure, do not have looks. All I got is making people laugh and making people feel good about themselves.
So you know what? I am gonna fight for myself and you all. I have sat down for two years, I cried for years and years I was scared. I was beaten by my mother and step father, I was molested by my sister and stepdad, my grandma almost died four times, my other sister is retarded, my other sister is gay. My Uncle Kevin is in jail for getting my gay sister pregnant, My grandma went into the hospital over 70 times! My grandma has cancer, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
My mother wanted to give me up for adoption, the women I loved left me for other men, I was in jail for four months, I have schizophrenia, paranoia, atypical depression and Bi-polar I have dyslexia. I tried to kill myself four times I hurt people beyond repair. I ruined lives, this isn’t suppose to be me succeeding, this isn’t suppose to be about my journey making it I was suppose to die! I had all the odds against me, and instead of looking at my hardships as lessons I looked at them as having a horrible life.
Well I take my beatings, I grew fat, I grew tiresome, I grew hurt. I still believed in something better, I believed in my comedy, I believed I was funny when friends and family members and people told me I was not funny I kept at it, and now I have a nation of people saying you can. So I am saying back I can I will, I cannot afford to lose tomorrow, I cannot walk on stage and fail, Failure isn’t a option.
I was destroyed for a long period of my life, I laid down looking up at the sky asking God for one chance.. Save me I asked him, help me, and he did. I am hoping that I can do this, I am wishing that everything in my life gets settled even more. Because of people saying I love you, I believe in you I can now say I love others as well as myself. I am here to help these people, that is my destiny. The only way I can save them from their pain is to make them laugh at mine. That is my destiny that is why I have been put through so much hardships.
Because of my site, I gained so many friends, nice caring people that likes me for me. I have gained a heart bigger than I had before, and it is funny because it is just a site. But I perform and act goofy and I make people get over there pain. Me, a man tormented by pain is making others get over there’s. That is telling me this is what I am meant to do, no looking back at the past saying why, I know why because I have to help I have to make others lives better by just making them feel like they are not the only ones going through the pain I am too.
I once was a much hated man I once had nothing now I have something, I have Love for myself and others. I have fans, I have friends, I have a dream. And the journey to make that dream a reality is the greatest part of it all. One night three years ago I was riding my bike home, I started to look at the sky it was dark and the stars looked so pretty.
I begun speaking to god telling him how beautiful the sky he made was. I begun to realize I am proud of what I been through because now I have a dream a dream I can fight to bring alive. My heart was beating and I felt so good, I thought all that happened because I had to make these people know I am here for them. That night I made a promise, I said God I promise you no matter what! I will become a great comedian, I promised on behalf of my grandma my friends even the people that hurt me so much I promised on their behalf I promised them all.
I thank God for the people he brought to me in my time of need the people that are self sacrificing like me i want to thank him for giving me the strength to not end my life. I want to thank you all for supporting me as well.
I will be back on JTV in two weeks on the 25th with a completely new show format, new characters, better pranks, better everything. I will make a name for myself in the comedy circuit I will conquer I will help. Everyone this is it, tomorrow I will walk on stage and it will have began
My destiny will have began.
Have I done that yes and no, I still feel I need to learn more I need to gain more in my life until I am able to say yes. However, I feel a huge chunk of relief I was unmotivated I still have my doubts about pursuing comedy and JTV 100% but now I know this is why I am here on this planet. There is no alternative, I do not have a shlong cannot be in porno, do not have smarts, do not have athletic figure, do not have looks. All I got is making people laugh and making people feel good about themselves.
So you know what? I am gonna fight for myself and you all. I have sat down for two years, I cried for years and years I was scared. I was beaten by my mother and step father, I was molested by my sister and stepdad, my grandma almost died four times, my other sister is retarded, my other sister is gay. My Uncle Kevin is in jail for getting my gay sister pregnant, My grandma went into the hospital over 70 times! My grandma has cancer, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
My mother wanted to give me up for adoption, the women I loved left me for other men, I was in jail for four months, I have schizophrenia, paranoia, atypical depression and Bi-polar I have dyslexia. I tried to kill myself four times I hurt people beyond repair. I ruined lives, this isn’t suppose to be me succeeding, this isn’t suppose to be about my journey making it I was suppose to die! I had all the odds against me, and instead of looking at my hardships as lessons I looked at them as having a horrible life.
Well I take my beatings, I grew fat, I grew tiresome, I grew hurt. I still believed in something better, I believed in my comedy, I believed I was funny when friends and family members and people told me I was not funny I kept at it, and now I have a nation of people saying you can. So I am saying back I can I will, I cannot afford to lose tomorrow, I cannot walk on stage and fail, Failure isn’t a option.
I was destroyed for a long period of my life, I laid down looking up at the sky asking God for one chance.. Save me I asked him, help me, and he did. I am hoping that I can do this, I am wishing that everything in my life gets settled even more. Because of people saying I love you, I believe in you I can now say I love others as well as myself. I am here to help these people, that is my destiny. The only way I can save them from their pain is to make them laugh at mine. That is my destiny that is why I have been put through so much hardships.
Because of my site, I gained so many friends, nice caring people that likes me for me. I have gained a heart bigger than I had before, and it is funny because it is just a site. But I perform and act goofy and I make people get over there pain. Me, a man tormented by pain is making others get over there’s. That is telling me this is what I am meant to do, no looking back at the past saying why, I know why because I have to help I have to make others lives better by just making them feel like they are not the only ones going through the pain I am too.
I once was a much hated man I once had nothing now I have something, I have Love for myself and others. I have fans, I have friends, I have a dream. And the journey to make that dream a reality is the greatest part of it all. One night three years ago I was riding my bike home, I started to look at the sky it was dark and the stars looked so pretty.
I begun speaking to god telling him how beautiful the sky he made was. I begun to realize I am proud of what I been through because now I have a dream a dream I can fight to bring alive. My heart was beating and I felt so good, I thought all that happened because I had to make these people know I am here for them. That night I made a promise, I said God I promise you no matter what! I will become a great comedian, I promised on behalf of my grandma my friends even the people that hurt me so much I promised on their behalf I promised them all.
I thank God for the people he brought to me in my time of need the people that are self sacrificing like me i want to thank him for giving me the strength to not end my life. I want to thank you all for supporting me as well.
I will be back on JTV in two weeks on the 25th with a completely new show format, new characters, better pranks, better everything. I will make a name for myself in the comedy circuit I will conquer I will help. Everyone this is it, tomorrow I will walk on stage and it will have began
My destiny will have began.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Come Join Us Today!! Ester Green Did!!
Come Join Sigganation on Bodog Today! Ester Green just signed up so she can bet on Survivor!!
Watch live video from D'Siggas live! on Justin.tv
Show Your Skillz and Support. Want to bet on March Madness, Baseball, and even reality TV shows??? Then click the banner below and register for free today. Your first deposit gets and immediate 10% cash bonus. Poker players get and addition 110% on top of that!!! I make a living off Bodog Poker! What a fun way to get paid. Come join me today!! After you register through the banner, email me on how to get and additional free $20 bonus!!!
Click here, sign up for free!! Bodog gives away $2000 a day in 3 free poker tournaments everyday!
Watch live video from D'Siggas live! on Justin.tv
Show Your Skillz and Support. Want to bet on March Madness, Baseball, and even reality TV shows??? Then click the banner below and register for free today. Your first deposit gets and immediate 10% cash bonus. Poker players get and addition 110% on top of that!!! I make a living off Bodog Poker! What a fun way to get paid. Come join me today!! After you register through the banner, email me on how to get and additional free $20 bonus!!!
Click here, sign up for free!! Bodog gives away $2000 a day in 3 free poker tournaments everyday!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Siggas Nation Formal Apology to Joe Rogan
We deeply regret the incident that occurred with Joe Rogan and DSigs issues the following apology to you, Joe..
Friday, February 22, 2008
I Return March First
I have been on vacation, reading being pissed thinking about life. That is the story of my life last night i had a dream i was getting a bunch of operations and i balls was gonna fall off because i had cancer. What a beautiful way to start the morning....with no balls.
I feel good a little sad, i been missing a part of me recently don't know what that part is i am just missing it. I am gonna have a few new stories for you guys new tales of my misadventures as i fight on to become a great comedian and sex machine.
Luv you all siggas/nation returns March first.
I feel good a little sad, i been missing a part of me recently don't know what that part is i am just missing it. I am gonna have a few new stories for you guys new tales of my misadventures as i fight on to become a great comedian and sex machine.
Luv you all siggas/nation returns March first.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Taking a much needed time off
Hey cunts, taking a much needed vacation off of JTV. Yes i know, but siggs what about the prank calls! What about the stories about your fucked up life, what about Big_Smith. Guys calm down i will be back in a few days or even maybe a few weeks.
Luv ya cunts
D'cigs
Luv ya cunts
D'cigs
Friday, February 15, 2008
My Best Prank Call to Date...more to come bitches!!
Support the show!!Pump up all my youtube videos please!!! Spread the word Siggas Nation takin the fuck over!!! More YouTube HERE!!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Justin stops in and crowns D'sigs!!!!
That's Right Siggas Nation. Justin Kan himself stopped in tonight to let Sigs know that he was now a Justin.TV Featured Broadcaster!!! Hell Ya bitches!! Siggas Nation takin over Justin.TV
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Welcome to Siggas Nation!!
Enjoy my classic highlights and watch me "Holla for a Dollar bitches!"
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Watch live video from dcigs on Justin.tv
Monday, February 11, 2008
Bodog Loves Siggas Nation!! Now you can play for FREE !! Plus support the show!!
Guys I now have a new HUGE corporate sponsor!! Bodog!! They have partnered with me to offer all Siggas Nation fans a free opportunity to play for real money on their site! Plus they will make a huge donation to the show for everyone that signs up through my special Bodog banners.
To get you guys started EVERY day Bodog will have three 100% free poker tournaments.
$500 PRIZE POOL @ 1:40 PM CST $120 TO WINNER TOP 63 FINISHERS WIN REAL $$$
$1000 PRIZE POOL @ 8:40PM CST $222 TO WINNER TOP 99 FINISHERS WIN REAL $$$
$500 PRIZE POOL @ 3:00 AM CST $120 TO WINNER TOP 63 FINISHERS WIN REAL $$$
Check this out it gets better. I am having the Siggas Nation Poker Championship on Sunday Feb 24 @ 3:00 pm CST the buy in will be $11 and If you are a new Siggas Nation sign up, you will get paid to play!!!
How?? Just Deposit the minimum of $20 and I will rebate $20 back to you via pay pal or mail a money order . (Rebate processing is approx 45 days) Plus what ever your first deposit is on Bodog the are going to immediately add 10% to it. So deposit $20 you get $22 in your account , max is $50 for $500, then you will get $20 rebated back to you from us!!! So even if you lose the $20 you still make $2 and I get a big donation from Bodog. Get paid to support the show!! What a deal. This offer is only for NEW bodog sign ups that access the site, register through my banners and enter the referral code of 2345977. If you do not use the banner, enter the code of 2345977, you will not qualify for the rebate program or free tournaments. To receive the rebate just Email your acct# to my executive producer at cardplayertv@gmail.com with how you want the money sent back to you. We will then verify that you used the link to register and process your rebate.
Click here to register now!!
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