Thursday, March 5, 2009

Darkest Hour

I am sad, this month and last month has been the hardest for me spiritually and emotionally. Found out I well be going to jail for what my Lawyer says, “Sometime “my Business I was making money with got shut down. My grandma suffered two heart attacks, my mother died. My sister is pregnant with twins because a dude raped her on Handlebars. Found out my stepdad was having an affair throughout the entire marriage, cannot make any money, high ass phone bill 1,000. Bills piling up, cannot get a new Lawyer, cannot get the Motorbike I needed to get to them damn Gigs, someone keeps, “trying” to get my videos down off YouTube.

If I left anything out my Apologies, What am I supposed to do now? Everything is going to shit at a faster rate than usual for me; it is like a Game of dominoes and one after another is falling. Pain, torment, I bitch, than get over it that has been the cycle but it isn’t stopping this time it is like a Truck with the Brake line cut it is just plowing through everything. I am trying to be strong, I am trying to put a happy face on and think Ya know that is life. But come the fat fuck on, Saturday night I believe my grandma had a heart attack, than I find out that same Saturday night my mother dies? All this bad shit happening and I don’t know what to do next, people say prey ok done. What’s next?

I am in a physical mental rut and I am not getting out of it with just prayer trust me. I try to breath but the air isn’t coming, every time I make a plan it is derailed. Every time I try to take myself out of the toilet, I am Doused with shit. I cannot try to make my life better at all without some unknowing presence destroying it with a fine swoop. I tried to kill myself four times for shit less than this, if there was a time I should buy a shotgun it is now. I am facing a possible 20 years in PRISON FOR A CRIME I DID NOT COMMIT! My grandmother is close to losing her life! I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Except the few fans I happily have supporting me.

I try to fight, I try to move forward and something is always there a huge welded metal door. With a Little window open for me to see all the happiness at the other side all the beautiful people’s faces living there lives.

I always said I hated my mother, fuk that bitch. She a hoe, I hope she die. And I got my wish, she is dead. It is funny to see how it happened. Seizure in her sleep. We never got to reconcile, never got to hug and say it is over I never got to say I forgave her. She is just gone, dead as a dogs dick. And everything surrounding that hurts, my ma was cheated on throughout the marriage with a man she left her family for. My elder sister is pregnant with twins because a dude fucked her while she was high on drugs. I want to end my fucking Life! But there is a part of me that knows things well get better. A part of me that believes in myself and well not give up in myself. I feel bad, I feel hurt, I want to cry and destroy my room I want to put a bullet in my brain. But I can’t not before I do what I am on this planet to do and that is tell my story and make people laugh and feel better.

Therefore, whatever happens Next I will continue, I will try and I will fight forward. I well do what I must I will not be beaten. I am alone right now only a few people are with me. I am alone in my apartment. I wish things can get better, but it is always darkest before the light.